Lap Retroperitonea ? open

Fancy word for they’re gonna go into my gut with a microscope and scalpel. March 17th is the date. The results of my CT scan from a couple days ago show that the masses in my lungs are almost completely gone as they’ve shrunk considerably since my last CT scan right after I finished chemo. My valscular surgeon thinks they may be nothing but scar tissue. However, the mass sitting right of my kidney is still the same size and there is concern that it could be cancerous. Since I’ve already gone through chemo there is a less than 10% chance that they wont be able to navigate with the microscope and it will be necessary to cut me open, due to scar tissue getting in the way. The biggest concern with this surgery is the very close proximity to a major artery and thus blood loss. The mass will be removed and sent off for a biopsy, if that comes back negative then I’m done (sans continued monitoring and what not). If it comes back positive then we will revisit the option of chemotherapy once again or perhaps more surgery into my lungs to go after those masses.

I’m doing pretty okay emotionally I guess. I know myself well enough to know that I’m shutting down. It’s easier to deal with work than my own body. I’m a very efficient state machine when my stress levels get to this point. If you’re close to me at all, I’m not being mean, I just need my space.

Quick update

The bloodwork I had done on Friday shows that I’m completely normal. Tuesday at 8:40 am I will go in for a CT scan to get an up to date view of the remaining masses. My doctor left the possibility open that that could come clean, but a very small possibility. That said, it’s more than likely that the plan on record will move forward. He has selected a surgeon and I will meet with her the following week to schedule my surgery. She will decide which mass is most easily accesible and go after that one. My oncologist thinks that there is a small amount of teretoma (sp??) left in my body and that is the need for this operation, but the CT scan will be the deciding factor.

Between this weighing on me and the incredible amount of stress that I have at work I am just washed out. I simply have so much stress weighing on me right now that I think I am ready to crumble under the weight of it all. My dedication to my job is starting to wane, and that in itself it a stress factor, how my stresss is affecting me is simply adding to my over all stress levels. It’s a terrible cycle that I’m trying to balance, as a friend said to me, “For having only one ball, you sure got a lot of them up in the air right now”.

Typically I’ve done best when living right on the edge, but right now I wonder how long the balancing act can continue. I know that there are better people out there with worse problems… but… damn… I could really use a vacation. I mean shit, I went back to work the DAY AFTER my last chemo treatment, I haven’t had a chance to decrompress from all of this yet. You wouldn’t (or maybe you would) believe the fight I had to go through to get my disability check… which I’ll be FINALLY recieving this week from the time I was out in October for christ’s sake.

Point being; things could be worse, but they could certainly be a lot easier as well. I’m not bitching per say… just kinda slump shouldered wondering when life truely becomes easy.

Back in the mix

I got the call from my oncologist this morning. Here is the plan as it stands today: This Friday I will go get some blood work done, next week I get to have another lovely CT Scan, then I will meet with my surgeon to schedule an endoscopic surgery into my left lung to remove one of the remaining four masses in my body. The surgery will tentatively happen in early March. I asked if it would be okay if I moved it out a little bit because my 30th birthday is on the 28th and I want to do a little bit of travel to visit some friends before I go under the knife, there are something and things I need to do.

If you’ve spent any amount of time with me you’d know that I never really contemplated life after 30. The way I was going I would have been extremely lucky to see anything after that particular anniversary of my birth. Now things are obviously different but I wonder if I’d been prophesying my own untimely death. I know that’s a fairly stark comment to make, it’s just… well… it’s difficult to explain.

To be frank, I’m scared. So far this year I’ve basically returned to normal. I’ve been working my ass of at work; I’ve been dating like I had time to make up for and even met a very lovely young woman; I’ve completely thrown myself into my bass, I’m writing my own music now… I had so completely removed myself from the previous several months mentally that this has actually come as a shock.

By the end of the day I’m sure I’ll have regained my composure, one thing I’ve learned is it’s okay to feel whatever it is that you feel, but don’t let it cripple you. Humbled by human frailty once again, updates to come.

Question: Anybody who has gone through a fairly serious surgery… how do you prepare yourself mentally for it?

We are more…

I have had a change in heart. I use to believe that we are the total sum of our experiences. But in truth we are so much more. Yes, our experiences in life may help to define who we are. You may be expecting a ‘but’ here, and you would do well to do so. Not only are we that, but also added to the definition is who we are while going through those experiences, who are we coming out the other side. The true definition of an individual is the experience, how it is handled within the context of the experience and finally how and what that experience teaches us. In short live every moment as though it were new to you, even if you’ve been there and done that. Because even if you’ve been there and done that, the context of the present is ever changing. So even if a familiar experience was unpleasant in the past, if you can seperate then from now your eyes may be open to the subtle differences that make each experience fully different and exciting. Learn, grow and never stop experiencing living the now.

The past is gone, the present is ever changing and not one of us can foretell the future. Stick with it and simply live. Every moment, every scent, vision, taste and touch is worth holding onto.

Trust me on this, please.

No news is good news

I haven’t been updating my blog lately because my life has pretty much returned to normal. I am still waiting for my oncologist to get back to me regarding what the next steps are going to be. To be honest I rarely think about it any more. My hair is well on its way to coming back, yet my toe nails have just begun to fall out and it feels like I’m constantly walking on sand.

I’m fully vested in my job again, I’m working anywhere from 8 to 12 hours a day. I’m getting back into my social life, eating out in posh restaurants, sipping scotch is candle lit bars and dating my way out of solitude. It’s still weird for me to think back over the past six months, did that even happen? I know it happened because everything is different now, I am not taking anything or anybody in my life for granted.

I’m happy as anybody else living their life I suppose. But I will never forget the lessons I’ve learned or the people I have met fighting the good fight, please stick with it!

And Happy Birthday Dad!!

Quote of the day

Feeling snarky at work after only a couple hours of sleep this morning:

“Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.”

Terrible Insomnia

Insomnia happens… not a great night for it to happen to me however. My alarm is going to go off in under three hours and I am WIDE awake. My first attempt at sleep was hijacked by a phone call from my best friend in Vegas. You know when an incoming call from this guy happens at 3:00am it’s going to be nothing short of hilarious and I was not disappointed. During the course of our conversation I found this: http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/cubegoodies/9a73/ In three to five business days I will be the proud owner of a … “What falls down stairs and rolls out of chairs and makes a jingly sound?”

Given that I am nicknamed after this toy, the puns provided on the above page are absolutely priceless. I really need to get to sleep, I have early meetings & another one of my closest friends is arriving by train in the afternoon. It isn’t lost on me that my blog posts have become rather mundane in my ‘woes’… I’ll take a lack of sleep for no apparent reason over chemo any day of the week.

 Incidently… best weekend ever (well, pretty damn close to it with a single sentance).

Since we last spoke

I think I’ve entered into a new phase with all of this. Despite the typical winter sniffles I feel really healthy, not particularly strong, but healthy. I look back over the past several months and I wonder to myself, did all that even happen? It’s amazing how quickly the human brain forgets the details. I know that it was very difficult on many levels but… I’m not sure how to put it, it seems like a very distant memory but it all happened only a couple months ago.

Every now and again I’ll have a difficult evening where I feel completely overwhelmed by life. After all, I’m not done with this fight yet, there are still unidentified masses in my body, I still have at the very least one more surgery to endure. But then, even the uncertainty of not knowing when that will happen, seems to have slid to the back of my everyday thought processes. I tried reaching out to support groups during the worst of these evenings, I don’t think that is what I need however. It’s just not for me, I can not articulate why, and I would not speak poorly of them in the least, it’s just not for me. The time between difficult moments is becoming longer these days.

Right now my main focus is on work and music. I’ve been offered a happy hour DJ gig at the Baltic Room on Fridays, seems that would a great way to finish off each week. I’ve learned how to focus on the good things in my life, rather than obsess on the bad things. One of my oldest and dearest friends is in Seattle right now for a couple weeks, I very much look forward to spending time with her and catching up.

I’m still a little lost for a lack of a better term. While work is going great it’s not what I want to do with my life. It’s just easy and pays ridiculously well, it’s hard to give that up. Socially I have cut everything and everybody out of my life, I’ve changed my phone number, blocked email addresses, etc… And while I’ve found that it isn’t difficult for me to meet new people, I am perhaps more guarded than necessary, my trust level in the average person has been diminished somewhat. Which is ironic, in that my overall view of humanity has greatly increased given the support and kindness I have been shown.

I do have a very bad feeling about the upcoming surgery for some unexplainable reason. I think it’s just that I have a lot left to do with my life, I’m not done with it yet and… well… going under the knife, especially with such a vital organ like the lungs is a big scary thing. I got this far on my own, I can get through the rest (not discounting my family, by the way), and anything else for that matter. I truely have an internal strength I thought I previously possessed.

Oh!! My eyebrows are slowly filling back in, I have some bit of hair on my head and my perpetual 5 o’clock shadow is back! I spend a lot of time in the bathroom looking at myself, not out of vanity, simply willing it all to grow that much faster. Okay, perhaps a little bit of vanity if I have to be honest.

It’s been bitterly cold here, at least in terms of Seattle weather that is, it cuts straight to the bone. I wouldn’t exactly say I’m happy, but I’m definitely not sad. I’m content in that I’m not content, I never have been, which simply means I’m living to better myself and my life situation. By no means have I given up.

 Funniest one testical quote of ‘08 (so far): “For only having one ball, you sure got a lot of them up in the air.”

Baltic Room last night

We had an incredible discussion last night at the Baltic Room, I gave you my blog address, I don’t think I ever asked what your name was. I was pretty drunk, our talk was, well… refreshing… You can get my phone number from Aaron (your friend was talking to him). I would love to continue our talk in a more sober state. It was very nice to meet you, thank you for the ride home.

addendum: Sometimes it really is just about the conversation despite the opposite genders and the bar ’scene’.

Deleted my last post

If you caught it… well… sometimes I just get pissed off at god and I yell at him and I say things I don’t really mean. Yeah… anyway, sorry ’bout that.